So Much In Just One Month

Wow.. So  much happened in just one month! I should definitely  keep writting.. and often also because I end up forgetting all the shit that happens! My last post was January 28th. Let’s see what has happened until now…

With D.. He freaked out on me February 6th. He said he didn’t want to carry on talking to each other everyday and saying the things he was saying.. Things he “could NEVER fulfill”. Hes words.. I was very sad. Deep down.. I was hoping he would fall in love with me.. You know.. Like those love stories in movies where people fall in love with each other by distance, by letters, by a glance, by a smile.. With “that” they get that feeling.. of certainty that that person is the one. But no, people.. Life is not like the movies.. At least for ME. I have read, heard about and seen true life love stories like the movies. But it never seems to happen.. not even close.. to me. Well, with R, I have to admit, it was beautiful and very extraordinary.. Just like the movies. But it wasn’t strong enough.. or many I am the problem. Maybe no man will ever love me. My father used to say a few times that he I won’t get married because no man will “put up” with me. I should of been born a man then.. Men are harder in falling in love then women. Anyways, I just told D: “We were just saying things we WISHED… But they will NEVER happen”. So, he said “Let’s just keep it fun”. Which means.. me stripping for him to masturbate. Virtual sex fun. A few days later.. on February 10th and 11th, I sent him e-mails.. because he didn’t send me any e-mail to just keep in touch like he said he would and he never showed up online.. He sent me an e-mail saying that he was ceasing all sexual contact online and he was going to concentrate only on his career because he was very behind on where he wants to be and that he thinks I will get very angry and that he is sorry. I sent him a reply saying that I am not angry at all, that I am very happy for him and I asked if he was going to cease all contact with ME also… Since he only mentioned “sexual contact”. He did not answer… I also didn’t send any more e-mails. I always had the feeling deep down inside, like an intuition, that he would come running to talk to me when he gets rejected by other women in pubs. That is exactly what happened. On February 15th I went online on Yahoo Messenger and he was online. I did not go and talk to him immediately. I wanted to see if he would talk to me.. or at least say hi. About 30 seconds after I went online he went offline. I was surprised and hurt by that.. that he would go offline so quickly because I came online. I sent him a message saying.. “I know you went offline so you wont talk to me.. I hope we can still be friends.. Hope you are doing fine! “. I tried to distract myself by talking to M, another guy I met online, so I wouldn’t feel so low in sadness. One hour and 25 minutes later!!.. He came back online saying a lot of shit! “You don’t wanna chat to me anymore do you? I don’t blame you”. First of all.. He was the one not keeping in touch, I was the one sending e-mails the he wouldn’t reply.. Anyways.. We talked and I said I wanted to be friends and keep in touch once in a while.. and grow old as friends.. He said he was happy for us to be this way.. and he said “Sweetness I’m sorry for anything I’ve said that may have upset you”. I told him I cried inside fr 2 days.. And he said, as always, that I am sooo lovely. Then.. He starts talking about how the huge rejection of the night hurt him very bad. He was sure a sexy woman was looking at him so he offered her a drink and she said “In your dreams” and laughed at his face. So that huge rejection made him want to talk to me.. Because I am stupid enough to keep bringing the guy up, telling him how sexy and good looking he is and giving him attention.. Things the women where he lives don’t do. That’s why he comes running to me.. To ease the pain on his self esteem… Not because he really WANTS “ME”. After this talk he never sent me an e-mail.. I sent him on February 19th saying casual friendly things like “I hope everything is ok, take care, etc, etc. He did not answer. I sent another e-mail on February 23th saying that he looks like Christian Bale and that he is sexy D, with a nice picture I found of him online with a picture of Christian Bale looking like him. THAT e-mail he answered.. Saying things like “Oh that’s lovely.. I so wish  was in that league but I am just a fool who parades around like i have some importance but I really don’t”. He apologized, as always, for his lack of contact.. Saying his internet connection in his home is not good and that he has been working out with difficult internet access. I am sure they are just lies.. I think he lies to much sometimes. I was so… not eager and unmotivated by him putting himself down SO much.. after I sent him SUCH a nice picture.. And by the lack on contact excuses that sounds more like lies.. So I didn’t answer.. He sent one more e-mail yesterday.. because he didn’t get any reply from me. This was also not so motivating.. and with all the other things happening with two men I met.. I just feel like not giving men any attention.. He said things like “I though I sent you a reply.. but it appears I didn’t. I miss you and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I just don’t want to promise things I can’t deliver. I find you very attractive. I miss you”. I don’t even have anything to say anymore.. I don’t feel like saying anything.. I will reply later in a few days.. So that is that.. with D. He freaks out on me.. Stops contact.. Then only talks to me when women rejects him.. I am nothing to him. I am just to make him temporarily.. less sore..

I met MH online also. One of my Professors from college, which is like a brother to him, gave him my e-mail. He saw me when I went to my professors house to deliver my project for final grades. I noticed a guy there close to me but I was in such a hurry that I didn’t look.. I just talked to my professor, gave him my project and signed the paper. We talked a few times.. The first time was about 4 months ago. I was rude to him… Didn’t think he was interesting and I deleted him. Then, on January 31st I went to a little Italian concert. Some Italian bands came to play for charity here in this little stupid town. I went with my friend Ana and her husband, 12 year old and her mother. I good looking man comes to the table and says hi to her and extends his hand to her husband but I though it was for me so I extended my hand and so did my friends husband. Then I realized it was not for me.. he meant to say hi to my friends husband, but he shook my hand and then shook the husbands hand. I was a little embarrassed.. Then I get an intuition again.. after I heard my friend talk about him and his job.. I felt that it was the same man that added me on MSN Messenger. I sent him an e-mail a few days later asking if he was at that concert. Two days later he replied saying that he was.. I sent another e-mail asking  if he went to my friend’s table and he replied saying yes.. So I replied saying that I was the girl who was with them. I added him back on to my list.. I though he was cute and different.. Mature and responsible.. We talked for a few nights.. Then we ended up talking about sex and he became interested in me.. and he said he had a girlfriend. He also said that he was undecided about continuing with her because he only sees her once a month. She lives and attends college in another city. I though it would be nice to have fun with him.. Like adult women have with no strings attached. On February 15th, the same night D came online again after going offline when I logged in and starting talking to me again, MH invited me to watch a movie at his house. He picked me up and took a movie, orange juice and popcorn. I didn’t plan on it.. especiallt because I wasn’t waxed yet.. But I had my first one night stand. It was nice but then I felt disgusted.. I arrrived home about 5 o’clock am and I ran fior the shower. I wanted to get his smell off of me and I had throw up reflexes. I thought “R left me spoiled. I will be able to have sex with other men. I feel disgusted. I will never have sex with MH again”. Friday night.. February 26th, we went to a motel. He paid.. and I liked it. I didn’t feel disgusted. Yesterday, Sunday morning, we talked and I said “We shouldn’t have started this” and he asked why.. and I said “Because now I will want it everyday” and he said… he said…….. “Well everyday.. that will be very hard and I can’t.. because that will create a bond and I don’t want to hurt you later on. I don’t want that to happen to you”. I felt very.. VERY sad.. ALL the men have told me the saaaame lame things.. “You’re soo nice.. so sweet.. so lovely.. If I didn’t have a girlfriend/wife I would want to date you”. And even if they turn out single… they still wouldn’t want to BE with me. I told him “It’s not that..” and he asked “What is it then?” and I said “It will be hard because we are both very busy”.. and he just said “Hum”.. Then I said I had to go and I blocked and deleted him from my list. Not even this guy.. a small minded man from this little hell hole.. that is not totally happy with his relationship.. that could have a nice alternative – me.. doesn’t want me. I don’t feel like talking to men.. I hate them right now.. I don’t even know how R actually stayed in contact with me for so LONG. At least I got a little taste I guess.. of how being loved by a nice man feels like..